(Speaking to Jesus)
Jesus,
I’m avoiding spending time with You
Because parts of me would
Rather zone out and keep myself
Distracted than face the pain.
Yes, those parts have been
Overwhelmed by pain
And would rather not go there!
(Speaking to Herself)
I’m sorry, my parts, for all the pain
You have experienced!
Teen Me—she’d rather check out
Or have fun.
Little Me—she’d rather play and
Not think of scary things.
The Littles—they just want
Noise-canceling headphones!
(Speaking to Jesus)
Yes, Jesus,
I have been avoiding
Spending time with You!
I feel a strong urge to
Keep distracting myself—
Just a little more Netflix,
Just a little more scrolling.
No, I’d rather not go inward!
No, I’d rather not take the time.
No, I’d rather not stop
My compulsive checking out.
I really want to keep checking out.
It feels desirable, even easier,
Than going inward.
(Speaking to Herself)
0, Self, THIS IS NOT GOOD,
This is not wise,
This is no way to live.
I mean, you CAN live this way
If you choose . . .
But it is a little life—
It’s safe—kind of—but not really
Because it is a life without
Feeling the presence of Jesus.
(Speaking to Jesus)
Oh, Jesus,
It IS a life without
Acknowledging You.
It is a life where I only use
Primitive methods to
Keep me “feeling safer”
Rather than being fully present.
It helped me when I was little
To check out when my dad
Hurt me, my mom, and my brother
So I didn’t have to feel all the pain.
But it hurts me and my family
When I stay checked out now.
Many of my survival skills
No longer serve me,
But I want to cling to them, Jesus!
(Jesus replies)
But “feeling safer” does not equal
True safety that comes from
Being with Me, My Much-Loved Girl!
Checking out is not true safety.
You already know this.
When young parts run asunder,
Your adult self merges with your
Avoiding part’s fears
And dysregulated thinking.
When that happens,
You aren’t able to access
Your whole brain
And you feel as scared and upset
As your parts are feeling.
Zoey, you know this.
You do. But knowing isn’t the same
As changing those patterns.
Now it’s time to sink into the
Emotions so you can feel them—
Those feelings you are afraid of.
Remember, once you feel
Those emotions, they dissipate,
Leaving you connected
To yourself and more able
To feel good emotions.
And feeling those feelings helps you
Connect to Me and to others.
Your heart gets to connect with
People when you feel those feelings
You want to avoid!
This is better than staying numb!
When you keep ignoring the pain
And repressing emotions,
You can’t connect very well
With yourself or with Me,
With Dear Husband and Dear Kids,
Or with anyone!
And I know you want to
Connect even when parts
of you are scared to connect.
(Speaking to Jesus)
Jesus, I don’t want to sit
Myself down and be with
My interior self or You.
But I like myself better
When I am connected into
My interior self and when
I can feel Your presence.
Jesus, I do what I
Wish I wouldn’t do and
I stay disconnected!
And that means I don’t
Fully connect to myself or You
Or Dear Family and Friends.
Jesus, I don’t want to
Keep living this way!
Well, part of me does, but it isn’t
The wise part of me. It’s that
Abused kid part of me
That keeps expecting abuse.
Oh, Jesus, what if
Dad gets upset with me?
That would feel awful!
That would be awful!
(Jesus replies)
Zoey,
Your dad might get upset
And that may feel awful to
Some parts of you, like
Your avoidant part.
But that’s okay because
You don’t live with your dad anymore.
Your parts keep believing
That your dad will get upset.
But you can get used to moving
Ahead even when your dad
Gets upset because you
Don’t live with him now.
We have to help those parts
Of your heart understand
That they don’t live with
Your parents anymore.
Then you and your parts can
Get used to a new way of living,
Growing in maturity.
Even though your Dad might get
Upset, you don’t live with him now.
Show up. Engage. Be with Me.
Tune into yourself.
Be with Dear Husband and Dear Kids.
Come out of hiding.
You’re safe here with Me.
The End
The Song “Out of Hiding”
The lines “Come out of hiding/you’re safe here with me” come from this lovely song by Steffany Gretzinger & Amada Cook.
Tammy’s Comments
Notice how Jesus didn’t berate Zoey or call her names or cuss at her. He hears her confession of what she’s doing and Zoey gets to wrestle with whether or not she’s going to choose to continue to check out from life or if she’s going to get out her feelings list and work to feel her feelings and then connect to herself, Jesus, and her family in the process.
Wrestling with choosing a new way is how we begin to change long-standing patterns. Most people are not able to change a coping pattern the first time they try. For people with hurting hearts and long-used coping mechanisms, the brain needs to get rewired. Repetition of a new way through time does that.
Questions you might consider:
- Do you, like Zoey, hide from Jesus at times?
- Do you recognize yourself in this poem?
- What feelings or body sensations do you experience as you read it?
- What does this remind you of in your own life? Any kid or adult memories?
- What part touches your heart or is hard for you?
Feel free to mark up this poem—make it yours! Put your name in it, rewrite passages, cross out what doesn’t apply.
Feel free to mark this up—make it yours! Put your name in it, rewrite passages, cross out what doesn’t apply. If there is someone you think would be encouraged by this, please share!
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