When I am hurt,
I am hurt.
Jesus doesn’t pretend
He isn’t hurt
When He is hurt.
He doesn’t require
Me to pretend either.
Jesus does NOT
Minimize my pain.
Jesus doesn’t abuse
Nor keep abusing me.
He doesn't require me To keep secrets, Bad secrets, Like an abuser does. He doesn’t tell me That it is my fault When it is not— When it is My abuser’s fault. And He sure as heck Doesn't require me To pretend I am fine When I am all Twisted up inside. Or when my heart bleeds. Or when blankets of shame Put on top of me By the abuser Weigh me down And I don’t know how To throw off the shame. SMILING AND PRETENDING I AM FINE WHEN I AM NOT Are old skills – Survival skills – Of being in an unsafe home. Oh yes, I also Smile and pretend I agree When my insides Are screaming my disagreement Without words. I fade from Being present. I disappear in plain sight. Jesus, You are different Than my abuser. Thanking Creator For the Gift of Jesus.
When under Blankets of shame, Jesus lifts them off One by one. And He kneels before me, Lifting up my head, As He looks, Into my eyes With compassion. He puts His arms Around me And shelters me From storms Too heavy for me. Jesus stands with me Face-to-face And our foreheads touch And He gently Holds my face In His carpenter-roughened hands. And He tells me I am His. And He tells me I am not alone. And He tells me That He’d do it all over again— Be nailed onto that cross For me, Again and again.
But thankfully,
One time on that cross
Was enough –
For me,
For the world,
For Him.
Jesus tells me That I have no need To pretend. I don’t need To pretend I’m fine When I am not. I don’t need To pretend anymore. Jesus tells me that It is okay for me To be authentic. Jesus tells me That He doesn’t want me To pretend anymore. And He takes my hand in His, Guiding my hand To touch the nail scars On each of His hands Then up to the scar in His side. He says, “I died so you could live!” He died but death could not hold Him. Creator raised Him from the dead. He died for me to live. He died to set me free. He died because He loves me. “You are free, My girl— Pretend no longer. I want you to show up and live free.” Who Jesus sets free Is free indeed. I am free! Help me, Jesus, to pretend no more. The End
About “Pretending I’m Fine.”
The phrase “pretending I’m fine” sounds like a conscious choice—and it can be. However, in homes that are not safe enough, children automatically and unconsciously suppress their emotions. These kids don’t know what they are feeling. It keeps being this way throughout life, until something changes.
Zoey smiled and pretended she was fine without even realizing it for a very long time. It was just what Zoey knew to do—she didn’t know any other way. It was unconsciously done. To change that pattern, Zoey has to learn to recognize that pattern.
So, Zoey would “smile and pretend.” Then a day or week later, she would think, “Oh, yeah, I did that ‘smile & pretend’ thing and now I feel shutdown.” Then Zoey would get out a feelings list (because she didn’t know what she was feeling) to help her figure out what emotions she had unconsciously repressed. Then Zoey would write a new poem, crying, as she would start to feel those repressed feelings. That process helped Zoey come out of being shutdown and be able to be more connected to herself, Jesus, and people.Consider responding to one of these:
- Tell Jesus about a time when you smiled and pretended you were fine when you were not.
- Do you recognize yourself in any part of the poem?
- What feelings do you experience as you read this?
- What does this poem remind you of in your own life? Any adult memories? Any kid memories?
Feel free to mark up this poem and make it yours. Put your name in it. Rewrite a few passages. Cross out what doesn’t apply.
Share with others if you want!
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