As the car Traveled from clear sky To heavy fog, I thought about Being in the fog.
When I’m “in it,” I can’t see much.
Perhaps I can see The taillights of the Car in front of me. Perhaps not. I can’t tell how long The fog will last.
If I’m “in it” for a long time I kind of get used to the fog. Drive more slowly. Drive with more caution. It’s hard to see a deer In my path until The last moment.
Being in fog is kinda like Experiencing an emotional flashback.
When you are in an emotional Flashback, you are “in it.”
It feels like it will never end.
As the fog distorts Our ability to see clearly, Being in an emotional flashback Distorts our ability to think and feel clearly.
An emotional flashback is like a Flashback from war—
The soldier is now off the battlefield, But once he hears a car backfire, He’s on the floor, Seeking cover, assessing danger. He experiences life As if he is still at war.
Let’s call that “survival stress.”
Some of us experienced childhood As dangerous.
When we experienced it As small children—
Before we had words, Before we had visual memories (Because our brain hadn’t yet Developed that ability), We had (and have even now) What is called “Body memories.”
So, when we see an angry face Or smell an abuser’s cologne Or see a red shirt that A perpetrator wore Or hear someone yelling in rage—
Many things can be a trigger—
Then we are suddenly “IN IT!”
We are experiencing an Emotional Flashback.
But we often don’t know it Because there is no visual memory Or coherent story (Because, again, we were too young For that brain development yet).
And we, Like the combat soldier at home, Are suddenly running In survival stress.
We are experiencing the world as Dangerous, chaotic, unpredictable.
And it feels overwhelming.
It is as if we are feeling now As helpless and hopeless and alone As we felt many times as little kids.
It’s terrifying--- Those times Of being hurt or scared— When no one helped us return To a place of calm and feeling safe.
And what happened to us as kids, To survive, Our bodies unconsciously And automatically Pushed those terrible feelings Back down inside our bodies And put a lid on it so We didn’t have to feel All of those terrifying feelings. And we didn’t have to feel All of those horrible body sensations.
And now, when something Unconsciously reminds us Of the abuse, Wham, we are back in it, And it is overwhelming.
What’s harder, Is our body and mind unconsciously React in less than a second To this trigger, To this perceived danger— And our adult, rational part Of our brain goes offline ‘Cuz we are now Experiencing survival stress.
Now, if there is Real Danger— Say a person wants to hurt us, We want to instinctively react Faster than a second To hide, to attack, to run.
We don’t want to think through it, Nor make decisions consciously—
That takes too much time When there is real danger.
So, we want our instincts To work fast!
But now, We get triggered at times When there isn’t danger, But our bodies and minds Believe there is a threat—
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