Zoey's Got Guts

Today, Jesus, I will trust that
Even though I am partly checked out
And disconnected from myself,
I am still LOVED by You.

I will trust that,
Even when I am isolating and
Wasting time in pursuits
That keep me disconnected,
You still WANT TO BE WITH ME even then.

I will trust that,
Even though You feel distant to me
And I feel distant to myself,
You are not distant but VERY NEAR.

I will trust that,
Even though I am confused and
Muddled in my mind,
You have COMPASSION for me!

You know ALL the reasons
Why I habitually check out, isolate,
Become confused
And pursue distractions
In my inadequate efforts 
To feel better.

And You know
How challenging it is
To change these survival behaviors
That I used to make it through childhood.

My valiant but inadequate efforts
To keep me safe
Have laid well-worn
But faulty neural networks
Throughout my brain.

Forgive me, Jesus,
For the many times
I have checked out,
Not understanding
What is really going on.

Forgive me, Jesus,
For choosing to self-medicate
With alcohol & food
Instead of choosing You.

Forgive me, Jesus,
For choosing to follow
Survival instincts
And not knowing how to choose life.

Forgive me, Jesus,
For missing You and Your presence
Instead of drawing near.

When checked out,
I haven’t known how to choose life—
Not moment by moment,
Or even day by day.

I simply and instinctively chose
TO SURVIVE
Over and over again
As if I remained in
Unsafe environments even now.

Drinking, overeating and isolating
Have been lifelong routes
That I’ve taken,
To try to feel better, to feel safer,
To escape from pain—

But these routes
Do not give true safety.

JESUS, I WOULD LIKE
TO BE CHECKED IN MORE OFTEN.

I love it when
I truly know what I want
Based on being in touch 
With myself and You!

I feel good when that happens!
I feel well inside of me,
When I am deeply connected in
With myself and You!

Oh, the pains 
Of being in survival mode—
Not knowing what I want,
Estranged from myself and others,
In a state of 
Internal numbness and confusion.

Thank You, Jesus, that instead of
Remaining checked out today,
I am finally able to feel
The grief and loss
Of living a “checked out” life,
Of having a childhood
That resulted in me
Being numb too often.

I am finally able to shed tears
That transform
My internal numbness Into sorrow.

Feeling that sorrow 
Magically transforms numbness
Into bodily relief
As I return to a place of rest.

After all this emotional processing,
I have moved from numbness
To feeling my feelings,
Shedding tears as I write.

I am, once again, restored to myself,
And I am able to feel Your presence.

I am thankful
That You, Jesus,
Know everything about me
And the long journey I am on to heal.

Keep seeing me with compassion!
Keep interceding for me, Jesus,
When all I can do is hide.
Keep drawing me out,
So that all of me
Lives in the Light with You.

Thank You, Jesus, for all the healing
You have done inside of me so far.
And I trust that 
You will keep showing me
Kindness and mercy
As You walk by my side,
Even when I am checked out.

Thankfully Yours!

The End

He is a kind-hearted and merciful Father,
the Maker of Life
who walks by our side to give us help,
and the Great Spirit of all comfort.

1 Cor 2:3b fnv

Questions you might want to consider:

• If you dissociate (or check-out), have you been able to notice what events or people might trigger your body into dissociating? List them.
• Do you recognize yourself in a part of the poem?
• What feelings or body sensations do you experience as you read it?
• What does this poem remind you of in your own life? Any adult memories? Any kid memories?

Feel free to mark up this poem—make it yours. Put your name in it, rewrite passages, cross out what doesn’t apply.  Share with others if you want!