Zoey's Got Guts

(Adult Zoey speaks)
Can You?
Can You take care
Of Little Me and Teen Me?

I have been vigilant
Trying to keep them out of danger
And it is wearing me out.

Will You?
Will You take care
Of Little Me and Teen Me?

And how do I keep from
Taking it back up?

I have tried so hard
To protect them.

Can You?
Can You take care
Of these precious burdens
Of mine, Jesus?

Will You?
Will You protect them, Jesus?

Little Me’s been scared,
Helpless and terrified.
All she wants
Is to play and be loved.

Teen Me—
Well, she’s tried
To protect Little Me—
And she’s had to use
Rushing around and overeating
To push down anger and fear.

She is hypervigilant,
Watching for opportunities
To TRY to keep her dad from
Getting upset,
To TRY to prevent her parents from
Having loud, violent fights,
To TRY to keep 
Little Me and herself safer—
NOT SAFE—
'Cuz true safety wasn't an option.

Can I?
Can I trust You, Jesus,
To know what they need?
To provide what they need?
To protect them
From those loud, violent fights?

Little Me loves her daddy.
Teen Me both loves and fears her dad
And sometimes she's hated her dad.
I (yes, I, the adult) confess that 
I have hated my dad so many times.

Can I?
 Can I really trust You to take care Of me and protect me, Jesus?

(Jesus speaks)
Dear Girl of Mine,
I have borne your pains
And carried your sorrows.
I have done this for you,
The adult you, the teen you, 
And the little you.

I have borne it.
I have carried it.
I have laid it on the Cross.

Will you?
Will you, Dear Girl, lay
Your adult self, Your teen self,
Your little self 
On the Cross?

Will you?
Will you lay your whole self,
Healed and unhealed parts
In My protective embrace?

I am your Friend.
I am your Brother.
I am your Mighty Help 
In times of trouble.

I am more than adequate
To take care of and protect
These vulnerable charges
Inside of you.

Give Me,
Give Me those burdens
You have been carrying so long.

Give me those burdens
So you can be light and free
Like the butterfly
The Little You tries to catch,
Like the puppy that plays and rests
So you can have life,
Abundant and true!

(Adult Zoey speaks)
Jesus,
I FEEL SILLY ASKING THIS, 
But—
Are You?
Are You SURE
You can watch over
These precious burdens of mine?

Do You?
Do You work the night shift?
Or will You fall asleep on duty,
Like the three friends in the Garden?

Oh, Jesus,
I can’t even watch that well,
I can't stay awake 24/7,
But You can!

YOU CAN AND YOU DO!

I have held these burdens
So tightly and so long—
HELP ME RELEASE THEM TO YOU!

(Jesus speaks)
My Dear Girl, 
You do not have to keep
Bearing your griefs
Nor carrying your sorrows.

You, Dear Girl, bore them once
And you have kept on carrying them.
But I Have Borne Them Once
And That Is All That Is Needed!

The End 

Background on the Poem.

Zoey realized she became numb and shutdown when 2 friends of hers were upset with each other. Zoey completely focused on them, nervous about them escalating into a blowup, like her parents did when she was a kid. (No, these 2 friends didn’t erupt into a screaming fight.)

Zoey had gotten triggered as she unconsciously went into a “100% TAKING CARE OF ANOTHER PERSON’S EMOTIONS” to try to prevent others from escalating, while doing a “0% TAKING CARE OF HER OWN EMOTIONS.”

This is one way Zoey learned to survive in childhood. Zoey unconsciously repressed her upset feelings as she watched her dad for the beginning signs of anger, ready to share a funny story or get him a beer, to try to prevent him from escalating, so it wouldn’t become worse for her, her mom, or her brothers.

To get out of that numb state, (adult) Zoey took a hot bath, with paper and pencil in hand, and began to write. This poem is what came, as she cried buckets of tears and felt the numbness give way to the feelings and thoughts that were bubbling up inside.

Little Me and Teen Me. LITTLE ME and TEEN ME are the kid parts inside of Zoey that still believe they are living back in an abusive home, with no one available to help them learn how to go from from feelings of fear or anger and then return back to feeling of peace and calm.

Think of it as Little Me having little kid emotions, especially helplessness, fear, and sadness whereas Teen Me watches for danger and TRIES HARD to keep people from getting upset.

Additional Way to Engage with Poem

• Tell Jesus all about any precious burdens you are carrying and ask for His help.
• Do you recognize yourself in a part of the poem?
• What feelings or body sensations do you experience as you read it?
• What does this poem remind you of in your own life? Any kid or adult memories?
• What part of this poem touches your heart or is hard for you?

Feel free to mark up this poem—make it yours! Put your name in it, rewrite passages, cross out what doesn’t apply.  If there is someone you think would be encouraged by this poem, please share!